Productive Distraction

I’ve been tinkering with WordPress today; mostly trying to find a way to avoid the abyss. I’m trying to think of ways to talk about this without being melodramatic, and without worrying anyone. Suffice it to say that I’m a wee bit depressed, and that shadows loom large on the periphery.
I should probably explain. Victoria’s brother, Bruce, did us a favor and looked up records on the house in Kings Mountain. He found that I’m still listed as the owner of the house. Countrywide hasn’t moved on the property at all. At least not in the legal sense. I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. Couldn’t tell you why, really. But I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I think maybe it’s just the looming sense that I could have, and should have, done more. I’ve always been too quick to believe what people tell me, and everyone was telling me that the battle was lost and that I’d best move on. I suppose I’m feeling this looming depression because I’m beginning to get a sense of just how badly I handled things. Sure, I can let myself off the hook by saying that I was going through a lot, etc, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
This is not to say that I could get the house back or anything. That loan existed and was defaulted on because of Mara’s bankruptcy. There’s no changing that. So I guess what’s bothering me is that I had a lot more control over the fate of that house than I realized. I could have done something. Instead I packed up and walked away. I didn’t even ask many questions.
Right now I’m trying to distract myself. Victoria has never seen me crash, and I don’t intend for this to be the day she does. So I’m piddling in WordPress, getting the links working and such. I’m going to be using this as my main blog page from now on. The Blogger system is just too unreliable. And I’d rather store everything locally besides.
That’s not really what I intended to do when I came in here. I’d intended to come in here and start loading things into my eBay store. But I can’t seem to bring myself to it. All I really want to do is take a nap. A long, warm nap in a dark, unseen corner. I can’t do that, though. So I think I’ll shut the fuck up, get off of my ass, and go find me a ray of sunlight.

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