Definition

I just got a call from my Epes dispatcher. He wanted to know when I was going to come back to work. I told him let’s figure on next Monday.
I mention this because it’s changed my outlook on a lot of things. For one thing, it helps me to realize that there’s going to be a life after this. It also helps that I now have a deadline. I have to get this done. I’ve spent weeks in this house, piddling around and not getting much done in the way of packing. Now I have a time-table. If nothing else, that gives me a sort of definition. I have desperately needed that.
I’ve been in a dark place here. I’m only just realizing that. I’ve shut down so completely in some ways that I don’t know what I’m feeling. There’ve been a lot of days where I could barely function. I’ve been sleeping a lot. And though I got up on many days all full of piss and vinegar, intending to make progress in this whole house-packing thing, by the time I had turned on my computer and eaten some kind of breakfast, the depression was setting in. I wound up playing a lot of World of Warcraft just to keep from having to deal with all these little demons that are nipping at my heels.
I guess this is just further proof that you can’t solve problems by ignoring them. I think if I had taken one night and a bottle of rum and just wallowed in self-pity and deprecation, I would have burned this out of my system and been done with it. But I didn’t. I ignored it. And it’s been sapping my strength and will this whole time.
This is not to say that I’ve dealt with everything. It’s going to take a very long time to heal. Right now I feel like all women are wicked and not a damned one of them can be trusted. Seeing how quickly some have rallied to the wife’s side despite the fact that she just cost me everything has done nothing to dispel this notion. Nor has the constant pressure from other women who are trying to pull me in one direction or push me in another. I’m tired of being badgered about how I’m not being a real friend. What the fuck does anyone expect of me right now?
It finally dawned on me today how incredibly patient my mother has been with me. I realized what she has been doing. I’d noticed that while she comes over every day, she never stays long. I finally understood that. She comes over to make sure I’ve eaten, and to make sure I’m okay. She washes the dishes if there are any to wash. She gives me a hug, and she leaves. Mama is leaving me alone and giving me the space to deal with things I didn’t realize I was grappling with. She knows from personal experience that this is the only way. I have to make my own peace. I don’t give that woman enough credit.
I desperately needed that phone call from Epes. I feel like I’ve been drifting on a raft in the ocean and I’ve just spotted land. And realizing now where I’m headed and what needs to be done makes me all the more ashamed that I’ve allowed myself to be crippled by this, even temporarily. Right now all I want, desperately, is just to move on.

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