Dark Drain On The Soul

I’m depressed. I was in a fairly good mood. Then Mara came home. Within a few minutes I found myself sitting in the dark in the computer room, just wishing I could close my eyes and go away. Being around Mara is like a dark drain on the soul. I’m so tired of it. She’s always angry. No matter what I do or how hard I work to make progress, Mara only notices the things that weren’t done. This doesn’t just apply to what I’ve been doing around the house of late, but to our entire lives. This is nothing new, and it isn’t something that can be traced back to her angst about me not having a job right now.
Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow. I don’t believe Mara is capable of being thankful for anything. She doesn’t see the flowers that grow in the fields. She only sees the weeds. I thought to myself today that Mara is a professional victim. Her life is a tragedy. Given the way she treats Mama and I, it’s most likely that we are the source of her misery. But Mara has deeper problems. If she were to find herself single, she would still be miserable. Professional victims always are. The World is against them. Life is unfair. Dreams have not been fulfilled. I ordered this cheeseburger with no onions! Why are you all against me?!
I’m getting tired of it. Well, that’s not right. I’ve been tired of this for a long time. I’m tired of living with the arbiter of doom. I’m tired of being in a good mood, only to have to face the approaching thundercloud. Her presence here is damaging, because she is so full of this self-pity and disappointment. How long can I deal with this? After six years of marriage, I can’t remember a time when it made me happy to be around her. Mara’s constant angst and attitude is a drain on my soul.
I can put up with a lot. But I would have to say that I honestly would not be shattered if Mara were to decide that this marriage was not for her, and decided to move on. There was a time when I would fight someone who suggested that I did not love my wife. Now I wonder myself. That saddens me. But at the same time I feel like a dog that’s been kicked one time too often. I don’t expect much good of anyone anymore. This is my marriage.

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