Be Careful What You Wish For

Mara and I had an exchange in text messages last night. Not a fight, really. I started it. With all that I had on my mind I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut.
I started it by asking Mara if she ever wished I had divorced her after she spent the night with Bobby. Long story short, I got a lot off of my chest. I let her know that I knew that she tore me down to just about anyone who would listen, for example. I let her know I wasn’t as stupid as she thinks I am.
I’m not sure there was a point to any of this. It didn’t make me feel any better about anything. I doubt it made much of an impression upon Mara. Through it all she sounded mostly like I was interrupting her Everquest II gaming but she realized that she had to say something. I doubt she lost any sleep over anything I said.
You know, sometimes I think this is all a game to Mara. She just puts on whatever face she needs to wear to deal with whomever she has to deal with. That’s why she sometimes seems to have multiple personalities. Sometimes the mask slips.
Which really is at the heart of all this. I always feel like Mara is just telling me what I want to hear. Half of the time when she hugs me it feels calculated. I can never shake the feeling that she’s bullshitting me and everyone else, that somehow she fancies herself the cat and the rest of us her prey. Or at least her playthings.
The one saving grace here and the one thing that solves a lot of our problems is that I simply refuse to believe that I could ever be that completely fooled by anybody. Or is that what the suspicion and doubt are all about? Is that my subconscious trying to get my attention so that I’ll stop pretending that all is well and start putting the pieces together?
I’m not ready to give up on Mara just yet. But I am tired of feeling like a guest in my own home, or a friend of the family.
Mara said something that was very revealing last night. At one point she said that it might make her a bad person, but she was glad that Mama was moving out. I said “one down, one to go, huh?” She said “No. I want you to stay.” I didn’t say it, but my immediate thought was “that’s benevolent” of her.
But I think Mara may be surprised if she thinks Mama leaving will put us on a more even footing. If anything, it frees me to be more blunt about things. There have been a lot of times when Mara and I would have had knock-down, drag-out fights were it not for Mama’s presence. I always knew that if Mara and I were to really start going at one another, Mama would come running, trying to keep the peace. And the minute Mama opened her mouth I had lost, because then Mara felt like she was being double-teamed.
I also held my tongue a lot to keep from upsetting Mama. So it’ll be interesting to see how things play out without Mama’s moderating influence. Mara may think I’ll be a pushover without Mama to back me up. She’s in for a rude awakening, and she’ll learn that Mama’s presence actually benefitted her.
It’s very possible that with Mama out of the immediate picture things will settle down between Mara and I. In some ways I’ve always felt like a bone the two of them were bickering over. Maybe now Mara will feel more like her life is her own and things will get better between us.
In short, she got her bone. I just doubt it’ll be as easy to gnaw upon as she expected. What’s that old saying? Be careful what you wish for.

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