Justice Looking Back At Me

Had a truly bizarre moment at the place I just picked up from. I went to the dispatch window and a woman was standing in the office with her back turned to me. Slender. Nice figure. Great ass. Then she turned around.
Justice was looking back at me.
Hell, I dropped my load pad. For just a moment, I thought it was her. When she came to the window I started noticing the differences. But they were slight. She had the same startling eyes as Justice, but where a little blue, where Justice’s were grey. She was a little shorter. And her hair was a pale blonde instead of white. But other than these couple of things she was a dead ringer for Justice.
My mouth must have been hanging open because she asked me if I was okay. Hehe. I said said “your name wouldn’t happen to be Miranda (Justice’s sister’s name), would it?” It was Amy. I told her she looked like someone I used to know and got my paperwork and tried to bow out without weirding her out any more than I already had. Hehe.
When I went outside a couple of company drivers were laughing about me. One told me not to worry about it, that Amy had that affect on men. I told them it wasn’t just that she was pretty. She looked almost exactly like someone I used to date. Dude said “You didn’t let her get away?” I just said “yes, sir. I did” and headed for the truck.
I guess I’ve recounted this in such detail because it’s made me feel really strange. It’s fair to say it’s stirred up some old ghosts. That initial thrill I felt when I thought, just for a second, that she was Justice made me realize how much I’ve missed the old girl.
Nothing romantic is intended here. There was a time in my life where Justice was my dearest (and sometimes I felt my only) friend. We were never lovers (because I think I was afraid of her), but otherwise I had the kind of relationship with Justice that I now have with Mara. She was my partner in crime, my best friend, and I felt more complete somehow when I was around her. It’s eaten away at me all these years that she just disappeared.
I’d just like to know if she’s alive, and that she’s happy. There’s also a lot of guilt here. Justice and I could have been lovers. In retrospect, she certainly made it clear that she wanted to be. Coming out of the shower that once and dropping her towel was a pretty direct overture. But I thought at the time that she was just toying with me. I always felt like that. She told me that if I wanted her for my very on, that was my chance. I kissed her and told her to make that offer when she hadn’t been drinking and I might take her up on it. She never did.
I guess the guilt comes in because I think Justice really needed something from me that I just couldn’t give her at the time. I was afraid of being that important to someone. I was afraid of her demons, too, and she had a lot of them. I was just too young, too immature, and too selfish to be what she wanted. It’s not so much the regret of missed opportunities that I feel, but the regret of having failed someone who needed me.
I wonder sometimes what she must have thought of me. Why Faith? Why Carmen? Why (almost) Victoria? Why not Justice? She never knew that she was the reason I never let things develop with Victoria and why I finally walked away from Carmen. By the time I decided I wanted to be with Justice, she was gone and her apartment was empty. I never heard from her again.
Christ. I just realized how long I’ve been going on about this. However it may sound, I’m not pining away for Justice. I just wish there had been some kind of resolution there. I lost one of the best friends I’ve ever had.
Justice, if you’re lurking out there somewhere, I’m sorry if I hurt you, that I couldn’t be what you wanted. I still consider you my dear friend. I would so dearly love to have you in my life again. For you to meet my wife. Mara would love you (and she’d give you a run for your money). And if you still have that mohawk, I’d love to startle my mother with it.
I was never embarrassed of you, but of my family and what they might say to you. You will always have a place in my heart and a seat at my table. You once said you felt like a memory that was lost in the cold. Wherever you’ve been and whatever has happened to you, know that you have family in my home. We would welcome you with warm, loving arms should you decide to come in from the cold.

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