Getting Ready To Leave For Miami

Eating breakfast and getting ready to leave. I’m in Kings Mountain. My new load is going to Miami, Florida, but Epes routed me down I-77. Since I left yesterday morning without my bed clothes and never got off my ass and bought any food to take with me, that was close enough to the house for me to come by. I decided to just spend the night here. I had planned to be gone by now, but Mama got up and it seemed important to her to cook breakfast for me. So I’ll eat and try to get out of here by 10:00.
I deliver between 08:00 and 11:00 in the morning. I wouldn’t be much of a truck driver if I couldn’t make that in one day. Hell, I could leave this evening and still make that. But I’m not going to screw around this time. Well, no more than I already have. I’m going to run on down and get in to the area early enough to get some rest. That way I’ll be fresh and ready to roll in the morning. I may be a nasty truck driver, but I’m trying to make us some money here. Luckily, it looks like Epes is going to give me that opportunity.
I didn’t say anything to Mara last night about what she said. I don’t know if I ever will now. When I think of it I just dread the melodrama that it would create. Mara wouldn’t apologize for what she said. She’d just get mad at Mama for causing problems. I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t think this marriage is going to work. It feels like Mara and I live in different worlds. I come in sometimes and get to visit hers, but I never feel particularly welcomed.
This is unfair. Hell, Mama just came in here a few minutes ago and said something about how sweet Mara had been last night, talking about how confusing it is sometimes. Mama said it was like Mara had two personalities, and you never know which one you’re going to get. So as mad as Mara can make me, I feel guilty being angry at her over anything because she can be a genuinely warm and caring person.
But there’s a shadow here. I don’t know how to feel about Mara. Given how mean she can be, and some of the things she says which makes it sound like she doesn’t have a very high opinion of me, I find myself wondering how much of that sweetness is an act. Does she just have us fooled? Is she really that mean, nasty person all the time, and she just puts on an act for us when she’s nice because that’s the way we want her act? If so, my heart goes out to Mara, because she’s genuinely twisted and probably needs help.
I prefer to think that Mara’s that genuinely nice person, and that she’s just someone whose balance is easily upset. I can’t believe I could be that wrong about anyone.
I’m really only thinking about all this because I’m worried that I’m beginning to distance myself from Mara. Sometimes I don’t feel like I know who the hell she is. What kind of relationship can we have when I feel sometimes like my wife is wearing a mask?
These are the kinds of things I want to talk about with her. We have some problems. I think maybe these things are easily solved. If nothing else, if something is eating away at Mara and forcing her to feel like she’s just playing a role here, that needs to be brought out into the open. I’m not willing to give up on this marriage without a fight, in spite of the fact that sometimes I do sort of wish she’d just go away. When I think like that it’s in moments of anger.
Last night is a good example of the good times. We played together in Everquest and had a great time. Mara’s fun to be around. I had a great time, and loved getting to hang out with her. That’s the way I like to remember her. But sometimes she makes it hard, when she hurts your feelings or says mean things to you. I don’t expect anyone to be cheerful all the time, but Mara swings so violently between that and some dark, scary anger that I’ve often found myself standing there after a big fight trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
Basically, I don’t want to lose my marriage because I wasn’t man enough to bring these problems out into the open. I love Mara, and I won’t give up on her without a fight.

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