Harsh On Mara

I’m pretty harsh on Mara in my blog sometimes. That bothers me, because I often write things out of frustration, and there’s nothing to balance it out. I don’t tend to write about how very much I love her or how much I respect her intellect and appreciate her tenacity. I never write about what joy it brings me just to get the occasional affectionate touch when I pass her, or how I like just being around her. She’s my best friend in all the world. My partner in crime. I’ve never met anyone quite like her, and I mean that in the best possible way. When I complain about something she’s done or some fight we’ve had, none of the wonderful things about Mara get mentioned. That’s just not fair.
So, what has me pondering such things of late? A couple of things, actually. One factor is my recent determination to force a change in my outlook. I have reached a point where I’m beginning to realize the enormity of what truck driving, and especially working for U.S. Xpress, has cost me. I had become very self-centered. I’ve been in survival mode for years, because my only reason for being had become driving a truck. What I wanted or needed didn’t enter into it. Now that some of that pathos has been lifted by the prospect of getting home every weekend and having a semblance of a life, I realize how unfair I’ve been to Mara. And to Mama, too.
I can only hope that realizing that is a first step toward changing that and changing myself. I have to get out of this victimized survivor way of thinking. It helped me at U.S. Xpress. But I don’t need it now. I can only marvel that Mara has put up with me this long. She must love me. And, well, she has nowhere else to go.
Hang in there, Baby. Change is coming.
Another thing that’s weighing heavily on me about Mara is her almost total despair. She hates what her life has become but sees no chance to fix it. I can’t help her in that regard. She has to find her own balance and purpose. But I still just ache when I hear her wondering if her creativity is gone. Especially considering that she thinks that is all she has to build a future upon. She’s too stubborn to accept encouragement as anything other than soothing propaganda. So she just sits there flagellating herself and fearing that this is all that there will ever be.
I know how that feels, but she’s not going to listen to me. Hell, I’m part of her problem. So I just sit here and wring my hands and worry about her, hoping that she can find her way on her own. She can be an evil bitch when she wants to be, but the other, usual side of Mara is funny, intelligent and incredibly talented. She deserves a measure of peace and a respite from the voices that are telling her that this misery is all that there will ever be.

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