FEMA Pay Next Monday

I didn’t think that U.S. Xpress could surprise me, but they just did. My new dispatcher, Seth, just called. He’s arranged for me to get my FEMA pay by next Monday. They offered to give me an advance on my fuel card, but I told him that I really didn’t have anywhere around here where I could get the money off of the card.
Seth said that U.S. Xpress would like to keep me, and he wanted to discuss some of the issues that I brought up. He sounded a little disinterested at times, but he made the effort. I’ll give him that. I promised to tell him tomorrow morning whether or not I’m going to stay with the company, because I wanted to discuss this with Mara.
Well, I know what Mara is going to say. She’ll tell me it’s my decision, but she’ll naturally be all for me getting back on the truck and going. This goes back to the misery aspect; i.e. who cares if I’m happy as long as I’m making money? But, of course, Mara would not be willing to get back onto that truck herself.
I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m actually not looking forward to the idea of switching companies. I like the thought of being home every weekend or even every night, but I’m reluctant to face the change. I realize that this is a complete reversal of everything I’ve said of late, but I’m slowly realizing that I’m afraid of change.
For one thing, I’d miss that Volvo. It’s become my little hideaway. At least theoretically it makes a nice place to write, having the table and all. I won’t have that in another truck. I’d hate to think that my needs and desires are that base at this point, but it’s a factor.
I just don’t know. I’ve longed for a chance to cut my ties with U.S. Xpress and set off in a new direction. But now that it’s here, I’m afraid. The known is much more comforting than the unknown. At least I know what I can expect from USX. If nothing else, I can give Seth a chance. If things don’t look good by Christmas, I could leave then.
I sound like I’m trying to talk myself into staying, don’t I?

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